The Hero's Guide to Being an Outlaw Read online

  Ruffian the Blue, Briar’s bounty hunter of choice, stared at Liam from under his dark hood. But as the stocky Yellow Tom bent to lift the net, Ruffian thumped the man over the head with the handle of his sword, knocking him flat.

  “What’d you do that for?” sputtered Whitehair. “We were supposed to split the money four ways. I shoulda known you’d turn on us, you greedy moper.” He drew a long dagger from his belt and turned to the masked teenager. “C’mon, kid,” he said. “He can’t fight both of us at once!”

  The ancient bounty hunter started to run at Ruffian. But after only one step, he fell chest-first into the dirt, tripped up by the fast-moving staff of the masked teen. Whitehair rolled over and bounced to his feet. “Traitorous brat! You’re teamin’ with Ruffian?” the old man snarled. He brought his arm back and prepared to hurl his dagger. “I shoulda known better than to work with a little boy.”

  “I’m not a boy,” the young bounty hunter said, pulling off her mask and releasing a bouncy wave of chestnut curls. Whitehair blinked in confusion before she whomped him over the head with her staff.

  “Lila!” Liam and Ella shouted in unison.

  “You’re getting better with the staff,” Ruffian said to Lila, frowning through the compliment. “But pulling off the mask was an unnecessary bit of showboating. The two seconds it took you to do that could have cost you your life.”

  “Sorry, Ruff,” Lila said, looking chastened. “I guess my brother and I inherited the same flair for showmanship.”

  “Are you saying that because I like to flourish my cape?” Liam asked defensively. “Because I’ll have you know that a good cape flourishing can provide a useful— Wait! I don’t even know what’s going on here! Someone explain.”

  Lila took a deep breath. “I’d tell you to sit down for this, but you’re both already on the ground. You might want to stay there.” And as Ruffian hoisted the heavy, weighted net off Ella and Liam, Lila broke the news to them.

  “Briar is . . . dead?” Liam asked, staring off at the old barn. He couldn’t bring himself to make eye contact with his sister at that moment. “And someone thinks I did it?”

  “Everyone thinks you did it,” Ruffian said flatly.

  “They think we all did it,” Lila clarified. “I’m on the list, too. That’s why I’ve been traveling in disguise.”

  “I can’t believe this,” Ella said. “I mean, it’s no secret that I wasn’t Briar’s biggest fan, but this is . . . horrible.”

  Lila crouched next to her brother and put her arm around his shoulders. “You okay?” she asked.

  “If you’d asked me a few months ago,” he said softly, “I would have listed Briar as the person I hated most in the world. But ever since the Bandit King’s castle, I’ve been wondering if I’d judged her too harshly. Now I’ll never know.”

  Ruffian harrumphed loudly but didn’t elaborate beyond that.

  Ella got to her feet. “Sorry to be practical at a time like this, but we can’t stay here. Every bounty hunter in the Thirteen Kingdoms will be looking for us. Not to mention every knight, soldier, and village constable. We need to warn Frederic and the others.”

  Liam stood and cleared his throat. “You’re right,” he said. “We need to get to Harmonia, Sylvaria, Sturmhagen . . . that’s a lot of ground to cover. We should leave right away.”

  “No, you shouldn’t,” Ruffian said. His silver goatee was the only part of his face visible under the shadow of his hood. “Since Lila cares about the two of you, I feel the need to point out that you are making a critical mistake.”

  “Aw, c’mon, Ruff, you care about them, too, don’t you?” Lila said, giving the gloomy figure a playful poke in the ribs.

  “No,” Ruffian said. “And yet I will still inform you that your best course of action is to go into hiding.”

  “Not going to happen,” Ella said.

  “Not while our friends are in danger,” Liam added.

  “To be seen on the open road would be beyond foolhardy,” Ruffian insisted.

  “We’ll make sure we’re not seen,” Ella said, sounding very sure of herself.

  Ruffian glanced into Lila’s big, hopeful eyes, then turned back to the others. “Let me try to explain it to you this way: I am the best bounty hunter in the land. Whitehair there is the oldest bounty hunter in the land. Yellow Tom is the hungriest. And there is another man who is the most dangerous bounty hunter in the land. His name is Greenfang. And you can guarantee he will be after you as well.”

  “We’ll take our chances,” Ella said.

  “Sylvaria is just across the border from here,” Liam added. “If we head out now, we can make it to Duncan by late afternoon.” He turned to his sister. “And you, young lady—”

  “Don’t call me ‘young lady.’”

  “She’ll be fine,” Ruffian interjected.

  Liam kissed the top of Lila’s head before he and Ella mounted their horses and rode off.

  “You’re welcome!” Lila yelled bitterly as they galloped out of sight.

  “Don’t worry,” Ruffian said. “Nobody listens to me either.”

  “So what do you and I do now?” Lila asked.

  Ruffian sniffled. “We find the real killer.”

  7

  AN OUTLAW GETS NUTS

  Of course, Duncan was not home. He and Snow White had already left to rescue Frederic, Gustav, and Rapunzel. Ella and Liam figured this out . . . eventually.

  “I’m sorry, did you say Duncan and Snow went to rescue somebody?”

  “Yes, you,” King King said.

  “They went to rescue me?” Liam asked, scratching his temple.

  “You’re Frederic, aren’t you?” the king asked.

  “No, I’m Liam.”

  “Wait,” Ella interjected. “Are you saying Frederic got captured?”

  “We’re not saying it,” Queen Apricotta said. “The blue twinkle-bugs said it.”

  Liam looked to Ella. “I think the bounty hunters already have Frederic.”

  “Yes,” King King confirmed. “Also someone named Punzy. And another one named Zel. Or— Wait, maybe it was Gustav.”

  “Where are they?” Ella asked.

  “The moooooooooooon,” Mavis and Marvella chimed in.

  “Huh?”

  “Twinkle-bugs live on the moon,” Marvella explained.

  “No,” Liam huffed. “I don’t care where the twiddle-bugs are—”

  “Twinkle-bugs,” Mavis corrected. “You’re dreamy, but you don’t listen well.”

  Liam slapped his hand to his forehead.

  “Did the twinkle-bugs say where the bounty hunters were taking Frederic?” Ella asked.

  “To Avondell,” Queen Apricotta said. “Along Old Pinebrush Road, heading westward out of Sturmhagen.”

  “See, Mom listens well,” Mavis said. Queen Apricotta blushed.

  Along Old Pinebrush Road, heading westward out of Sturmhagen, Greenfang and his crew rolled into Avondell, their cage full of prisoners lagging at the tail end of their entourage. Frederic, Rapunzel, and Gustav sat on the cold metal floor, glumly watching the forest pass by. Without warning, a walnut—with a tiny, folded piece of paper tied around it—sailed into the cage and plunked against Gustav’s head.

  “Hey!” he snapped. “What’s the big idea?” He picked up the walnut and went to throw it back into the trees, but Frederic grabbed his arm.

  “No!” Frederic blurted.

  The orange-bearded bounty hunter, who was driving their prison wagon, turned around. “What’s going on back there?”

  “Oh, nothing, sir,” Frederic said. “A passing bird just dropped a nut on my friend’s head.”

  The man eyed them with suspicion, but his attention was drawn back to the road when the wagon hit a bump, rattling the cage and jingling the brass keys that hung from the side of the driver’s bench. Frederic grabbed the walnut and carefully unfolded the attached note. “Can’t you see it’s a message?” he whispered at Gustav.

  “What’s
it say?” Rapunzel asked softly, leaning closer to see the paper.

  Written in itty-bitty letters were the words:

  RESCUE TIME! DISTRACT THE DRIVER.

  They all looked up. On the side of the road, just beyond the trees, Duncan and Snow were riding their horses, keeping pace with the prison wagon. The couple waved to them giddily.

  “Where did they come from?” Gustav gasped. Then he shrugged. “At least it’s not my brothers.”

  “What do we do?” Rapunzel asked.

  Frederic took a deep breath. “We do what the note says.”

  He scooted to the back of the cage, behind the driver. “Excuse me, Mr. . . . um.”

  “Orangebeard,” the bounty hunter said.

  “Mr. Orangebeard,” Frederic said politely. “I wanted to thank you. We may have hit a little bump just now, but on the whole, this ride has been exceptionally smooth. Far more enjoyable than one would expect when traveling by iron cage.”

  “Well, thank you,” said the man, proudly raising his furry orange chin. “You should be glad it’s me at the reins and not Norin Black-Ax.” He indicated one of the big blond twins, riding up ahead. “That guy can’t avoid a pothole for his life.”

  “Black-ax, huh?” Frederic said. “Do all bounty hunters have a color in their names?”

  “It’s tradition,” the driver said. “You know Greenfang, of course. The elf over there is Periwinkle Pete. And the fella with the mongooses is Erik the Mauve. Norin’s brother is Corin Silversword. Although his sword is black, so that one’s a bit confusing.”

  While the driver was chatting with Frederic, Snow White expertly whipped a peach pit at the wagon and knocked the dangling key ring off its hook. Frederic heard the keys hit the road and pretended to crash against the bars of the cage.

  “Whoa,” he said. “Must’ve hit another bump!”

  “That was weird,” said Orangebeard. “I didn’t even feel it.”

  “My fault, really,” Frederic said. “I shouldn’t distract you from your driving. Carry on.” He turned back to Gustav and Rapunzel.

  “Snow’s aim is truly amazing,” Rapunzel whispered in admiration.

  “What’s next?” Gustav wondered aloud. The question was soon answered when Duncan’s horse, Papa Scoots Jr., darted out of the trees and onto the road behind the wagon. At first they thought the horse had no rider, but they soon noticed Duncan hanging upside down, under the animal’s belly.

  Rapunzel readied her tears.

  With his wavy-haired head dangling inches from the rocky ground, Duncan scooped up the keys. Placing the brass ring between his teeth, he strenuously pulled himself up the side of his horse and back into the saddle. He took a moment to give his friends a thumbs-up before leaping from his mount and landing on the rear of the prison wagon. He gripped the bars of the cage door to stay upright. Papa Scoots Jr., happy to be free of Duncan, veered off into the trees once again.

  “Gustav, you look great,” Duncan said as he tried to keep his balance on a narrow lip of wood. “Have you lost weight?”

  “Stick the key in the hole,” Gustav snarled, “before I squeeze you between these bars and pull you in here with us.”

  “Oh, right.” Duncan unlocked the cage.

  Frederic glanced over his shoulder, relieved to see that Orangebeard still had his back to them. “I can’t believe this is working,” he said.

  It was working. Almost perfectly. Too bad Duncan’s wasn’t the only rescue attempt that afternoon on Old Pinebrush Road.

  8

  AN OUTLAW PUTS HIS RIGHT FOOT IN, PUTS HIS RIGHT FOOT OUT

  “This must be them,” Liam whispered. He and Ella, on horseback, sat hidden among the evergreens, watching Greenfang and his platoon of bounty hunters come up the road toward them.

  “But where are Frederic and the others?” Ella asked. “And what are those giant animals?”

  “They look like mongooses,” said Liam. “Or is it mongeese?” He shrugged. “That’ll be the first thing Frederic says to us after we rescue him.”

  “Look, I see a wagon in the distance!” Ella pointed down the road. “That’s got to be where they’re being held.”

  “Perfect,” Liam said, pulling a long rope from his saddlebag. “Once the riders have passed, I’ll take out the wagon driver. We can steal the whole thing and be gone before they even notice.”

  “Won’t work,” Ella said. “There’s no way that wagon can outrun their horses.”

  “Well, what would you suggest?” Liam asked, sharpness in his voice.

  “We stay hidden,” she replied. “Take out as many as we can in an ambush.”

  “Well, the smart thing to do would be to take out the driver.”

  “And alert the more dangerous guys to our presence?”

  “That wouldn’t— Oh, crud. They’re almost here. I’ve got to get into position.” Liam jumped from his horse and shinnied up a nearby tree to set his rope.

  “Don’t do it, Liam,” Ella hissed. “You’ll give us away.” She pulled out a slingshot, loaded a stone, and took aim at the approaching Greenfang.

  “Put that away!” Liam whisper-shouted as he looped his rope over a high branch. “You’re going to tip off the wagon driver. We do this my way.”

  “You’re not always right, Liam,” Ella snarled, steadying her hand and pulling back on the slingshot.

  “I’m not always wrong either!”

  Neither of them was aware that, at that very moment, Duncan was on the back of the prison wagon, swinging open the cage door to free their friends.

  The bounty hunters passed the copse of trees that hid Ella and Liam. Ella clenched her jaw and kept her slingshot trained on Greenfang but didn’t fire. Liam wrapped his hands around his rope but didn’t jump. Each was waiting for the other to make a move. Until, finally, both lost their patience—at the exact same time. The stone rocketed from Ella’s slingshot, straight at Greenfang’s head—but before it could hit its mark, a mongoose leapt into the air, blocking the shot. The animal let out a shrill yowl as it was knocked off the road.

  “Ambush!” Greenfang shouted.

  But Liam was already swinging through the air. Orangebeard looked up just in time to see the bottoms of Liam’s boots before they pounded into his whiskery face. The bounty hunter tumbled to the dirt as Liam landed on the driver’s bench and yanked on the reins, bringing the horses to a sharp stop.

  Duncan, who was already precariously balanced on the back of the wagon, dropped the keys and flew forward into the cage, the door of which slammed shut and locked behind him.

  “I don’t remember planning that part,” he said, lying in Gustav’s lap.

  “Liam?” Frederic asked.

  “You can thank me later,” Liam said, turning to face the captives. “Right now, we have to get out of here.”

  This was punctuated by four quick thwipping sounds as Periwinkle Pete fired a volley of arrows at the wagon. Each hit its mark, pinning the edge of Liam’s cape to the wooden driver’s bench. Liam struggled, trying to face front again, but he was trapped under his own cape. “Oh, crud.”

  Ella, in the meantime, had charged out of the woods on her horse and was crossing swords with all the remaining bounty hunters. “Hey, Liam,” she yelled, ducking a swipe from Greenfang. “You wanna start the getaway anytime soon?”

  “I’m trying,” Liam grunted as he thrashed about under the tightly stretched cape. “Anybody back there have something sharp? I can’t reach my sword.”

  Duncan opened his belt pouch and pulled out the small sculpting knife that he carried “just in case I come across some clay.” He passed it to Liam, who clasped the little blade awkwardly between two fingers and began hacking away at his collar. “I can’t believe I’m losing my cape this early,” he grumbled.

  “Oh, my goodness! Ella’s in trouble,” Frederic said as his former fiancée simultaneously kicked away a giant mongoose and deflected a battle-ax.

  Gustav stared longingly at the battle. “Aw, man. I so want in
on that.”

  “Look!” Rapunzel said, pointing behind the wagon.

  Snow White had crept out of the forest on foot, her many colored ribbons flapping in the breeze. She picked up the fallen key ring and cautiously approached the prison wagon.

  “Yay, Snowy!” Duncan whispered gleefully.

  With care, Snow climbed up onto the back of the wagon.

  “You can do it, Snow!” Frederic cheered softly.

  “Of course I can,” Snow said. “Do you know how often Duncan locks himself inside things? All sorts of things, too: trunks, cabinets, lunch boxes—”

  “Snow, the cage,” Rapunzel reminded her.

  Snow giggled sheepishly, turned the key, and swung open the door—at precisely the moment that Liam succeeded in cutting free of his cape. “All right,” he said. “Let’s get out of here!” He cracked the reins and startled the horses into action.

  As the wagon took off at top speed, Snow wobbled and began to fall backward. Everybody in the cage dove for her, each grabbing a ribbon. Together, they all yanked her back up—and into the cage with them. The door slammed shut behind her.

  “You’ve got to be kidding me,” Gustav grumbled. They’d now increased the number of prisoners from three to five.

  “It’s okay,” Snow said, holding up her arm. “I still have the key— EEP!” The wagon hit a bump, and the key ring flew from Snow’s hand, landing in the dirt behind them.

  “You’ve got to be kidding me,” Gustav repeated.

  “Don’t worry,” Liam said, glancing over his shoulder at them. “As long as I’m in the driver’s seat— Oof!” Liam was sent flying to the ground as a giant mongoose pounced onto the driver’s bench and took his place.

  “Jackie Fat-Whiskers!” Duncan shouted.

  As the wagon careened along the road, the prisoners looked out the back to see Liam rolling in the dust. “Oh, good!” Snow called to him. “Now you can get the keys!”

  The bounty hunters scattered as the wagon hurtled toward them, giving Ella a much-needed break. She spotted Liam lying capeless in the dirt and raced to him. He snatched the keys off the ground and climbed up to sit behind her on her horse.